my husband is driving my daughter away

(Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. But what upset me more is his reaction. Asking. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. He was my softball coach for most of the 10 years I played, I LOVE sports, we have gone together to countless games over the years, just him and I, I go to him with any car/computer/cooking/etc question I have, I can talk to him about anything, I have always been his little girl (Not to say Im not close with my mom, I am) and that father/daughter relationship I had with my dad growing up, I wouldnt change it for the world. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. Hey, that kind of worked for me. My husband has driven our children away with his dictatorial behaviour 04 May, 2019 01:00 You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush MY HUSBAND is not an emotional. I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? Before the 12 year was born. But it can get super boring waiting for that to happen. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. Absolutely. So how did she find out about it? Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? ). Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. . Seriously? A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. Have you read Tumblr recently? He should show her that he can make an effort to enjoy her interests and encourage her in the same spirit to enjoy his. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. Did my mother? I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. lets_be_honest Also, I want to tell an awesome story about my dad. In the Summer of 1993 when I was 12 I went through a serious Tom Petty phase and my dad LOVED it. 15 Mother-In-Law Behaviors That Deserve a Punch in the Face - Scary Mommy When they are able to see the. He also occasionally went to movies with us. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. As a result, she may start to rebel and act out, which can eventually drive her away from her family. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. However you come about discovering a new way to be together, it is better to take a chance of doing something different than to let layers of disappointment bury the love you once held sacred. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). "My Husband's Pushing My Daughter Away" - Dear Wendy Well-said, courtney. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. Apparently its socially okay to go to games and paint your face and do whatever sports fans do, but Buffy marathons arent. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. I love it. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? Ha! There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. He is, however, driven and self-reliant. Manchester United bidders move to the next stage of takeover process', Remo Freuler admits Everton's visit is biggest game of season for Forest. But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. bittergaymark If the issue is raised during a child custody . About Us . Just saying, theyre definitely still popular. Here are eight ways to tell if your partner is harming your relationships with your family. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. Its important to remember that it is not always your fault if your partner and child dont get along. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. "Caught between husband and daughter" - Click Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). Skyblossom honeybeenicki But hes an adult and should show an equal interest in what his daughter likes instead of disparaging her interests and rolling his eyes at her. Thats probably what her daughter is reacting to, and she probably sees her father as a bully. I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. Her free spirit and spontaneity. He's always putting him down. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! Is it forcing or is it parenting? I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. I get that hes probably feeling left out, but thats not cool. The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? That is why he is pushing her to explore new things. lets_be_honest I was saying thats debatable. Manage Settings TONS of teenagers are interested in Buffy, Firefly, and (new) Star Trek. Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. How dare she share her own interests. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace. I was like 7.) "If your family don't want to see both of you . July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. I would call that well-rounded. He sounds like a domineering and boring person. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. I just dont get it. What?! Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. "I cant win for losing. Plus, I like Rick Castle. I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. A: There are two things to consider here. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. Everything Hilary Duff Has Said About Her Motherhood Journey Over the Years Can I get a 'corona divorce' from my quarantined family? For one mother, this nightmare is a reality, as her husbands behavior is pushing her daughter away. My dad would also try to do things we liked. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. When my family went on vacations as a kid, I didnt get a say in where we went. Way to become a teenager yourself dad. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). So because you think something is a timewaster you get to mock people for their interests at 12. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? : r/AmItheAsshole I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. In her mind, hes the only man who should be in your life and she may feel like shes losing him if you get divorced. Yes. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. 2. Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). My junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. I was all set to like this until you said shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Why is it not ok for adults to like these shows?? No. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. So, encourage her to spend time with him. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. Visitation Pick Up/drop off issueEx-husband Moved 45 Minutes Away I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. Definitely. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. It cant be. By myself, though. Encourage her to have fun with him. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! Then Id tell you to keep pushing for her to spend time with you. The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. , temperance July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! . I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . Ill go hiking with you, and I promise to go with an open mind and not complain about it. Does he like the 80s music? On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. temperance Hmm, maybe. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) Well done, as always, my friend. So, here is the thing. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. Why Is My Husband Driving My Daughter Away (15 Reasons) Seriously. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Show interest in his interests. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. For my husband he has to do all the driving. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. I was/am (?) Thinks hes hilarious). They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. Talk about missing the point. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. 2. I am a much better, well adjusted adult because he did this instead of pretending to like whatever show I was watching at the time. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. He let us put makeup on him. Exposure to anything is great for children. We all died laughing. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? I literally didnt know that the wonders of Classic Rock existed until I got to college. If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. 2. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. EL ESPIRITU DETRAS DE LA PUERTA - Facebook Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. I know I did. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. This could be something as simple as going for a walk together after dinner or taking turns reading bedtime stories. Make it easier for him to be his best self. Expect my son to mediate a dispute between my daughter-in-law and myself. I was thinking this too. On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. WWS. I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. Find a common ground youve got to. I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. Things like going for ice cream. She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. Totally agree on the respect issue. You're surely not alone. My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again.